dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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