great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
