you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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