If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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