now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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