This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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