It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
