I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Bring me that man meat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize