all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
