Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
