Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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