I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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