He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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