Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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