Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
