chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think your dad took our porno
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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