cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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