He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
