Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
