Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
