Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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