whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
