I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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