Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
