is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
