i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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