her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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