Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
