im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
