All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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