sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
