My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
