...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
