It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
