She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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