I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
