i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
