Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
