i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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