The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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