Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
