i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
