true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
