it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
