dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
