dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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