I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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