i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
