just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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