Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
