if i can run in heels then i can drive
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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