Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
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if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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