I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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