i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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