my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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