margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
