I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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