And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
