If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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