My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
being pregnant is like rehab
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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