I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
PANTIES FOUND
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