I wannas sexs uuuuu
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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