So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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